Daily Update: ADD Edition
Friends, Romans, Country Crock: lend me your toast…oh sorry, I was buttering toast and got distracted. What? Oh I thought you said something. Anyway, this is the Daily Update: ADD edition.
–ADD is actually a very serious disease and is nothing to joke about. ADD stands for Attention Deficit Disorderly Conduct Unbecoming of an Officer. Have you ever actually watched Officer and a Gentleman? It isn’t even that good. I’d venture to say that it is bad. The guy who directed that also directed Blood In, Blood Out; which is one of my favorite movies. Man, there’s this one part where the guy grabs the apple and says “I don’t want his pork chop: I want his liiiife!” Whatever happened those commercials for pork where pork referred to itself as “the other white meat”…? Pork, you taste delicious but you have no idea how to market yourself. Way to make yourself sound like the meat to eat as long as chicken isn’t around. And who the hell let Sam Elliot go be the voice of beef? After watching Tombstone for the millionth time, I realize now that Sam Elliot was responsible for every death in that movie because he couldn’t handle people carrying guns. It’s the wild west, Sam…but not Wild West with Will Smith. That was horrible.
As I was saying, ADD is a real disease and not at all hilariously debilitating. Just regular bummer debilitating. Did you know that Guy Pennington has ADD? And if you didn’t know that, are you blind and deaf? He is becoming the face of ADD, and if that is the case, ADD should shoot itself in the face. I don’t think it is good PR for a disorder to brand itself with the image of the most annoying fuckface of any annoying fuckface that has face-fucked this planet with his fucked up face.
–this is getting out of hand. Let’s get a better understanding of what’s going on with ADD
Now, focus on the overlapping symptoms *take note of all those colors!* while thinking about your life and the lives of everyone that depend on you *is that unfair?* to keep it all together and think really hard about the pressures you face and how they are actually going to ruin you. *FOCUS! Goddammit!*
–Ok, Ok: Here is an exercise I do when things get out of hand. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and say “1, 2, 3, nothing at all is wrong with me.” Just repeat it: 1, 2, 3, nothing at all is wrong with me…again…1, 2, 3, 4 come on baby say you love me: 5, 6, 7, times…aw shit, Gloria Estefan: you win this round.
–Fuck it: Headline Jokes
- Police urge gunman in girl’s death to come forward…they promise you’re not in trouble
- Family quickly told cops of IHOP shooter’s illness…allegedly suffered from “fruity pancake diarrhea”
- SAT scores fall to lowest level…is to: important, as smarts is to: who cares?
- Tropical Storm Maria turns north in the Atlantic…fueled by Catholic guilt and unleashing the suffering it believes brings people closer to Jesus
- W.Va. home on site of Brown’s hanging doesn’t sell…realtor: “to be honest, we thought it was a selling point”
ok, that’s been this. now go do all that.
-&y S&ford
