Beginning of the Daily Update

Ahoy loyal Sandford-o-philes (working on better fan moniker)!

I have set a goal of updating this every day, no matter how stupid or unnecessary. So you’ll want to tune in(?) because it’s going to be a treat for you, the wandering internetter, to have this much access to me. 

I have been living in New York a week now and I have already survived my first earthquake. I can’t tell you how much of a rush it was to wake up and find out that I had slept through a real life earthquake. New York really is a tough city, because you can’t even tell there was an earthquake. Those things bring about biblical scale destruction, and I slept right through it. That makes me awesomer than I thought. Japan must be one big island of wimps.

-hey there! Here’s a pic of me eating a comically small burger

that’s crazy, because burgers are not that small. (photo credit: Kelly Walsh)

-oh hey, you still there? Here is my Time Out NY Joke of the Week …those in the know call Time Out New York “TONY.” I guess he works there or something.

-oh Hey, last month I did a set on Kyle Kinane’s show at The Sinking Ship in Indianapolis. Here is documentation of my funny make-em-ups  I’m wearing all black like Johnny Cash if he were less cool and alive.

-hey hey…hey, do you not keep up with the news? You don’t need to. I write headline jokes everyday.

  • Somalis awarded life in prison for US yacht hijacking
  • Vatican Refutes Accusations of Withholding Documents by Pointing Out Kiddy Porn is Often Flagged as Spam
  • Kate Winslet escapes fire at Branson’s island home. Billionaire accuses Millionaire of arson
  • Scout leader fatally stabbed on hike. Boy Scouts of America have cancelled all future hiking trips to the south side of Chicago
  • Man shoots self near kids’ NJ toy gun swap event…He dedicated his life teaching irony to children

-oh hey, want some more fun? I like to insert vocabulary words into sentences incorrectly. Here are some now…and no, this isnt a Jeff Foxworthy thing.

  • Amorphous - “Daddy got laid off at the plant and can’t provide a-mor-pho-us.”
  • Verisimilitude - “You know, you look verisimilitude this guy I know.”
  • Isotope - “We’re always arguin’. She say brown and isotope.”
  • Associate - “Lisa loved the cookies, associate all of them.”
  • Document - “Document I am gonna die SOON?!”

This has been my first daily update. This is going to happen EVERY…FUCKING…DAY.