Freaky Friday’s Daily Update

and a fist bump/head nod to all you Sand-fordtunate readers (BOOM!) This is my freaky friday post. No pervert, that doesn’t mean it’s a sex themed thing. It means that, in this post, an established actor will somehow switch souls with a younger actor; thus beginning a cinematic romp that they will both later regret.

—Whenever someone tells me, “I looove music;” I tell them to get the hell away from me. Holy shit, you like music? You really march to the beat of your own drum… Actually, that phrase doesn’t even apply, because even if you marched to the beat of your own drum; that means everyone else marches to the beat of a drum, which is a musical instrument…ipso facto…everyone likes music.

 ***side note: I’ve never liked the phrase “march to the beat of your own drum.” Because you are still marching, and that sounds like something conformists do***

 One time, a girl tried to argue this with me. She said, “you don’t understand: I like music more than the average person. Music is the soundtrack to my life.” I don’t know if she realized that soundtracks can only be music. That is not an acceptable phrase to show how much you love something. That applies to nothing else. No one will say, “macramé is the soundtrack to my life.” That just sounds depressing. You don’t get into macramé for the constant sound of knots being tied. You get into macramé for the pussy (…or is this sex themed?).

—ooh ooh, hey hey…This was a business idea I once had: “Suicide Cards! Yay!” Basically, if you wanted to commit suicide and were unable of producing a note you could not live with, I would (for a fee) take a picture of you that would convey your inner pain to your outer loved ones. Oh, and we put it in a nice card with a quick message that hammers the pic home and is mailed out to whoever you want.

here’s me, showcasing my predicted best-selling suicide card. Message reads: “{insert name} already made me dead inside, now I’m going to finish what {insert name} started. Ok, I’m gonna jump off this roof now…ok, bye.”

Obviously the business never took off, but I sent these sample cards out(again) to all the investors who turned me down. There’s a chance they feel responsible for my death that they think happened.

It’s another day, and that means headline jokes. Or “fun with the associated press”…whatever segment title you feel fits you.

• Teen who shot gay classmate snaps…he then realized snapping is a total gay guy move and shot himself
• 2 year search for missing mom suddenly escalates…search party has begun frantically glancing in the fridge and other places where they know she never is
• Troops photograph every Arlington grave…just to feel like they are doing something worth doing
• Cheney had secret resignation letter…but they never found the bodies.
• Kieth Richard’s memoir “Life” goes platinum…expected to stay on best seller list longer than science could ever explain

Okee doke, folky folks. This has been today’s update….no you hang up…ok, on 3 we both hang up…hey! you’re still reading!

-Andy Sandford