Labor Daily Update

Guten tag, you slothful Sandford sycophants. It is your day off, but it is not a Daily Update off. The D-U is an impending ceaseless torrent…a foreboding, ominous blog-cloud. Ignoring it will only kindle the flame of your detriment. Oh, the costly aversion of the eyes from Andy! (ok, got carried away there)

–If the framers of the constitution were around today, they would teach modern carpentry a thing or two about craftsmanship. 

People always point out that Jesus was a carpenter…yeah sure, and Superman was a reporter for the Daily Planet. I’m sorry; but if you are faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and you’re the son of God: You are not really a carpenter. I’m sure that jesus’s ability to bend steel came in handy when working under the guise of his secret identity though. Especially when you consider that steel was not yet invented. Unfortunately, he would not be able to see through paint until the 1960’s.

All joking aside, what the fuck is up with Superman? Little too super if you ask me. This guy was plopped onto this planet, costume and all, into the waiting arms of loving foster parents?…how convenient for Mr. Man. He can do anything that has ever been thought to be awesome, and his only weakness is a substance that very nearly does not exist. That is his only weakness. Not being able to see through lead hardly counts as a weakness. That is just a small caveat to having X-RAY FUCKING VISION.

…Whew, sorry about that. Sometimes I get a little emotional when discussing super powers. Just saying, Daredevil had to grow up in a shitty neighborhood and be blinded by a radioactive substance to get his powers. Meanwhile, Superman gets his powers on a silver platter and all the effort he could muster on a secret identity was: “big buff friend of Superman who looks exactly like Superman”…? Come on, “Clark.” Some glasses and a hair flip? Fuck you, man. Super fuck you.

–ok ok, I am not going to waste my time with that guy anymore. Here is a picture of me being as white as I am at my Puerto Rican neighborhood’s block party 

I had fun, but a girl beat me up and stole my favorite pink scooter.

–And now, Famous Quotes In Their Entirety

  • The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and of course the impending robot army.
  • let them eat cake holes!
  • Give me liberty or give me death; or if there is some kind of middle ground, I’m open to that too.
  • To be, or not to be: that is the question…right? I mean, that is what you asked, correct? Oh dear I’m afraid I wasn’t listening.
  • An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. I mean, not really because it’s only one eye. But hell, can you imagine a whole world with no depth perception? That’s still pretty bad.

–lookout, Headline Jokes

  • Family dog fatally mauls newborn…Acquires new bed and toys
  • Unemployed battle underemployed for jobs…in unprecedented pay-per-view cage match
  • Labor unions adjust to new reality under Obama…Spokesman: “We’ve got a black President and we need to accept that”
  • Lee weakens to depression with 35 mph winds…Lee: “I was a force to be reckoned with…but now, ah who cares?”
  • Kanye West closes first ‘Call of Duty’ convention…Kanye: “Aight, I’m gonna let y'all play, but So-Com was the best game of all time!”

What a treat this was, eh? Feel free to print this out and read aloud at your various Labor Day festivities. Remember people, pop quiz tomorrow.

-Andy Sandford