Super Champ Read-Time Boom Boom Daily Update

Konichiwa! Andy-spicables! Is this Daily Update title racist? Feel free to discuss in the comments. Oh, sorry tumblr: the “notes.” Anyhoozle, welcome to the Daily Update: the only daily blog explicitly condemned by the church of jesus christ of latter day saints of the rings and the sorcerer’s stone of the last of the mohicans etc.

–Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

I’m not so sure people think about what this really means. It should probably be shortened to “judge not.” Or perhaps lengthened to “judge not lest ye be judged; in which case: fuck everybody.” You’d think it might bother Christians that one of their main tenants includes a caveat which throws being a better person right out the window. It is a very You Got Served approach to living…if you judge someone, and they judge you back: THEN IT'S ON.

Actually, it doesn’t explicitly say that you are only allowed to judge the person that judged you. It really says: once you are judged, then you can start judging. That means that one person deciding to judge someone else can start a judge-chain which grows at an exponential rate and is totally cool with jesus. 

Put your beliefs and feelings aside for a second and imagine Jesus as a big dumb idiot. I mean really think about what he did assuming that as fact. Imagine a guy who is not so smart, and whose mom was kinda slutty and an elaborate liar. Now imagine how he feels being of questionable origin and a shitty carpenter for 30 some odd years. People probably made fun of him. How can you remedy this? Be the messiah. Learn a couple magic tricks. Make hilltop speeches where you preach common sense that everyone already knows and tons of others have said before you. Also, preach about the wailing and gnashing of teeth for those who don’t believe you are god’s kid. In fact, come up with a thousand different punishments for not believing your divine lineage because you are that insecure.

**Keep in mind, this is the same guy who one time was really hungry, came upon a fig tree that had no fruit on it because it was winter, then damned the tree to never grow figs ever again. Does that sound like something a smart person does?**

Here is the kicker: when they come to execute you because you are amassing a cult where you are calling yourself god…that is when you have to pretend like you could kill everybody with your magic powers, but instead you’ll do them the favor of just dying the way a non-magical person would so that everyone can go to heaven from then on.

I really don’t care what you believe and I am not trying to get too serious here. It’s just that sometimes people give jesus waaay too much credit and don’t acknowledge that his story matches up perfectly with someone who simply stuck with their lie to the very end. 

–ok, that wasn’t too much of a comedic effort on my part. Sometimes the joke was written thousands of years ago and you just need to retell it. Enough of this talk. Look at this subject-changing picture isn’t that adorable?

-This got a lil lengthy. Let’s get straight to Headline Jokes

  • 3 Marines accused of hazing to appear in court…later told they could have just gone to court if they wanted to and not hazed anybody
  • Calif. principal accused of molesting 7 girls…actual number uncertain. Principle: “I’m not a principle who would kiss and tell”
  • Iraq troop withdrawal begins…Iraq stated “come on man, just gimme one hit of troops. Daddy’s hurtin’…”
  • Kids with Bush on 9/11 saw change sweep over him…Kid:“he was staring at that childrens book and I knew everything had changed for him. He learned a new word.”
  • Obama’s goal: Creating jobs, putting GOP on spot…intends to keep spite a top priority henceforth

-well kids, I think we all know what happened here today. They can’t all be gold ya know. I am not a goodamn Wonka goose!

-&y S&ford