Fun With Cliches!
I like to make jokes out of cliche’s and sayings. Below are 75 of them…probably more than you want to read. Enjoy
-I don’t trust people any further than I can throw them, and they don’t trust me at all after I’ve thrown them
-if you treat people the way you want to be treated, you just end up giving blow jobs all day
-it is better to have loved and lost than to have never found out how exciting choke-sex can be
-Same shit, different day. I should pay this water bill so I can flush this toilet
-All work and no play makes Lincoln a full-term President
-Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans and you forget to pull out
-It takes more muscle to frown than it does to smile: Help put an end to childhood obesity by making a fat kid sad
-Life is short, and you only live life once; I try to remind people of this when I rob them at gunpoint
-Crime doesn’t pay: you have to STEAL THE MONEY!
-You can lead a horse to water, but it’s not going to drown itself
-There’s no point in beating a dead horse when I’ve got a live cat right here
-Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. We need that bath water
-well here’s my two cents. That and a dollar will buy you a cup of coffee
-there’s no time like the present, except for the recent past…and the near future
-it is not a kill or be killed world. That is just something murderers say
-ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies…wait, that’s not true
-a medieval weapon can be a double-edged sword
-I don’t want to get on a soap box, but it makes it easier to get on my high horse
-I speak softly and carry a big stick, but in all fairness, I should speak louder before I hit people with such a big stick
-swallow your pride because you are what you eat
-my gf has an elephant’s memory. She never forgets that she is huge, in the middle of the room, and no one wants to talk about her
-last thing this family needs is another mouth to feed…that’s a whole other can of worms
-“not everything bears repeating”…you can say that again
-a good carpenter should know how to make an entrance
-you’ve gotta learn to crawl before you can walk…and especially before you can swim. Another kid, another lesson learned
-Why preach to converted? Because they’ve been fooled once, and if I fool them a 2nd time, it’s shame on them
-I won’t sugarcoat this: you’ve got diabetes
-If I buried my problems i wouldn’t have all these skeletons in my closet
-imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism
-I found out that curiosity killed the cat. Now I am too scared to ask exactly what went down
-at this point, the only thing I am banking on is my ability to avoid putting all my eggs in one basket
-both love and justice are blind, but love is the one who really needs the scales
-as a doctor, I should’ve done more to help that AIDS patient, but I couldn’t go on living with his blood on my hands
-nothing wrong with a little white lie like, “honesty is the best policy”
-If I had a nickel for every time I told a homeless person I had no money, I’d have more change than I was already lying about
-the meek shall inherit the earth…let’s wait until then to beat them up and take it from them
-my g/f is as beautiful as the day is long, but only on the winter solstice
-My g/f is like a broken record. Not the kind that repeat themselves, but the kind you keep in the basement that don’t make any noise
-it ain’t over till it’s over, unless you mean the national anthem. Then it hasn’t started till it’s over
-you may think I have trashed your house, but another man would say that I treasured your house
-My g/f dumped me. It’s ok though, they’re are plenty of fish in the sea that might enjoy her company
-Death always comes in three’s…or at least that’s how I like to do things
-if you march to the beat of a different drum, you are still marching; and that sounds like something conformists do.
-I am not a man who would kiss and tell…because I wouldn’t want anyone to know how low my standards are
-if you lived by the sword and died by the sword, you probably should have had a gun
-don’t wake up and smell the coffee if you’re just gonna stop and smell the roses
-this is an estate sale? I thought it was a dead giveaway
-my ex says I’m a bad lover, but she only thinks that because i’m such a good fighter…good enough to kick her ass anyway
-if you really love something, set it free. If it finds its way back to you, that newborn baby can already walk and is clearly a keeper
-somehow I am always playing second fiddle to the guy who plays a cooler instrument
-I have a shoe fetish, but I still prefer head over heels
-I think I speak for everyone when I say that I can only speak for myself
-I know you didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. Turnip season starts in December…you think I was born yesterday?
-even a blind squirrel finds a nut, but he can’t find his way back home
-just watched “Multiplicity.” Michael Keaton sure knows how to make himself at home **fart noise**
-Always measure twice and cut once…Except when cutting your losses. That’s just depressing
-Don’t judge a book by its cover, unless that book has Sarah Palin on it; then throw it away …even if you didn’t buy it
-Whenever I think I hate someone, I put myself in their shoes, and I make them walk home barefoot
-I’m not just blowing smoking up your ass. I’m serious: my pubes are on fire
-if yer coming out of the closet, go ahead and let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. You’ve earned it
-you can’t buy love…but you can buy a snickers ice cream bar…and I love snickers ice cream bars
-ok, who let the cat out of the bag? Now this bar-b-que is gonna suck
-no one knows the Funhouse Arsonist’s method…it’s all smoke and mirrors
-nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade, but don’t call black people that. That’s racist
-girls never appreciate my backhanded compliments…ladies, if it’s not a closed fist, it’s a compliment
-I wouldn’t be too upset that you got the shit end of the stick. The whole thing was up my ass anyway
