Before I started doin stand-up, I would just jerk off normal
like a normal person jerks off. I
would watch non-celeb sex tapes aka “pornogs” til a got a stiffy then crank out
a few dollops of sperm. Pretty
boring right? Well dat was da old
me. Now i can blowjob myself…how
you ask me?? THIS…is my story of
how.
one time I drank 15 Michelob ultras & as a dare my
co-worker dared me to do stand-up coemdy.
“WHAT??? ARE you a certify
crazy person?” I said to Melissa.
I was just a normal guy…i worked at a marketing/advertising startup firm
as a associate graphic designer/dogwalker, & i jacked off normal. I was not a “stand up comedian”!!! What da hell was Melissa thinking
daring me to do standup comedy for??
“Ok ok ok, just this once…but you have to give me a BJ
after,” I said before ordering Michelob ultra #16.
“DEAL!” said Melissa enthusiastically as if she was a
contestant on Deal or no Deal w/ Howie from AGT.
Next thing I know…I hear da host of da open mic say my name
“Dan Licatta” & next thin i know i AM ON DA STAGE. “What I am suppose to do?” I remember thinking to myself…only I
didn’t just think it I say it OUT LOUD into da microphone!! Next thing I know da people kinda
chuckle a lil bit. “Hey, dat felt
kinda nice!” I thought to my self
only again once more I did not think this silently in my head it slipped right
outta my mouth & into da mic & everyone heard it.
“GO DAN!!!” yelled Melisa. Some people clapped a lil bit.
“Thanks Melissa.
She said she is gonna suck my dick after this.” EVERYBODY BUST OUT LAUGHING SO
HARD!!! And that felt so good…like
a “blow job good”.
I kept goin… “You ever get a blowjob from a girl & she
eat shrimp for lunch dat day, next thing you know, yer dick smells like shrimp
all day long?” At this point, da
people are DYING. “Da kids on my
block are callin me Shrimp-dick…and they were callin me dat BEFORE it actually
smelled like shrimps but now da nick name makes perfect sense!!!” Everyone in da comedy club got up outta
there chair to clap for me. They
call this a “standing ovulation’ in show-biz.
I got off dat stage & I felt like a rock star…i felt
like I was rolling on some good-ass molly. I just wanted to hug everyone & i was mega-horny.
I went up to Melissa who gave me a big fuckin hug. “you did so so good…okay time to make
dat pee-pee come aliva w/ some saliva!!”
I put my hand in her face.
“Hold up Melissa…I am glad you promise me a BJ but I am gonna have to
say rain check on dat.” Melissa
kinda made a wtf face but she understood.
I hugged her again.
“Thank you Marissa. I am a
better man now. My life is about
to change now that i am a stand up comedian.”
Dat night I went home & magically I could suck my own
rod. it was a christmas
miracle…was it da new found courage I got to da things i always wanted to do
but was scared? Yup, that is
exactly what it was. Also i got 10
new Twidder followers & i was stoked about dat too.
Dan Licata is a
stand-up comedian & also he is a huge-ass fan of Yotube personality Timothy
Delaghetto.
This spring, I’m teamin up with two of the funniest guys I know: Dave Stone & Ryan Singer, and hittin the road for a 2 week, 14 city, balls to the wall comedy pilgrimage. We’re calling it 3 Headed Moron, and you should come to it.
4/17: Lafayette, LA - JP’s Bar 4/18: Huntsville, AL - The Sports Page 4/19: Chattanooga, TN - JJ’s Bohemia 4/20: Birmingham, AL - Buck Mulligan’s 4/21: Hattiesburg, MS - Brewsky’s 4/22: Mobile, AL - The Blind Mule 4/23: Pensacola, FL - Sluggo’s 4/24: Tampa, FL - New World Brewery 4/25: St. Petersburg, FL - Body Electric Yoga 4/27: Orlando, FL - Spacebar 4/28: Columbia, SC - New Brookland Tavern 4/29: Charleston, SC - Tin Roof 4/30: Greenville, SC - Radio Room 5/1: Atlanta, GA - Highland Inn Ballroom
Brooklyn is a hotbed for comedy right now, and specifically: Bushwick, Brooklyn…and even more specifically, the corner of Wilson Avenue and Stanhope Street. Everyone in the know knows there’s no shortage of great comedians on this particular block, and moreover, this particular apartment. Here is a list of the 5 hottest funny folks of 2015 who are currently living in the same apartment.
KENNY DEFOREST
-Kenny is a tall, white, redheaded stand up comedian who is a man of many hats. He is not multi-talented, he literally owns and wears an impressive variety of flat billed hats. He moved to NY from Chicago, where he also did comedy and wore hats. He also plays basketball and recently had a weird infection in his hand. Be on the lookout for this funny (or so I’ve heard), tall, hat-wearing comedian in 2016!
CLARK JONES
Clark Jones is also a comedian living in this apartment whose notoriety is on the rise, much like his blood sugar (he has diabetes)! Unlike Kenny, Clark is a man of just one, silly hat. This guy is not afraid to sing at the top of his lungs and dance the running man until someone finally laughs at him. Be on the lookout for this Chicago-bred, Morehouse-educated, calls-it-like-he-sees-it, pulls-no-punches comedian to sit in a chair backwards near you in the coming year.
BRIAN ALLEN MITCHELL
-Brian is a sweet boy with a dark and mysterious past who could snap at any moment. He’s from Akron, Ohio and is for some reason a die hard fan of the Cleveland Browns. Aside from the fact that Brian is a funny stand up comedian, he also is probably a talented sketch and improv actor (never made it out to a show). Brian also cleans up the most of anyone in the apartment, and recently bought a PS4. His favorite show is Gilmore Girls, and he’s very defensive about it.
ANDY SANDFORD
-Andy moved into 167 Stanhope in May to fill the void left by comedian Will Miles, and by his second week, no one could remember that Will had ever lived there. Sandford is the only comedian at 167 Stanhope to live in a room with no windows, which sounds more depressing than it is. And while he is undeniably the handsomest comedian in the apartment, he is embarrassed by flattery and insists on being judged by the content of his act and *not* his rugged good looks. Keep an eye out for this hunk in the very near future.
GILBERT LAWAND
Gilbert is the 5th and latest addition to this 4 bedroom Bushwick haha-house. The semi-recent Atlanta transplant is only crashing for however much time it takes to woo the Puerto Rican grandmother with a rent controlled apartment across the street. His status may be shaky, but his comedy is rock solid, AND he’s a certified public accountant to boot! He even won a comedy contest for accountants (yes, that’s a real thing that happens). Be on the lookout for this wacky Iraqi in 2016 (seriously, we’re all worried about him).
You can stop looking at other comedian lists now. This pretty much covers it.
