Before I started doin stand-up, I would just jerk off normal
like a normal person jerks off. I
would watch non-celeb sex tapes aka “pornogs” til a got a stiffy then crank out
a few dollops of sperm. Pretty
boring right? Well dat was da old
me. Now i can blowjob myself…how
you ask me?? THIS…is my story of
how.
one time I drank 15 Michelob ultras & as a dare my
co-worker dared me to do stand-up coemdy.
“WHAT??? ARE you a certify
crazy person?” I said to Melissa.
I was just a normal guy…i worked at a marketing/advertising startup firm
as a associate graphic designer/dogwalker, & i jacked off normal. I was not a “stand up comedian”!!! What da hell was Melissa thinking
daring me to do standup comedy for??
“Ok ok ok, just this once…but you have to give me a BJ
after,” I said before ordering Michelob ultra #16.
“DEAL!” said Melissa enthusiastically as if she was a
contestant on Deal or no Deal w/ Howie from AGT.
Next thing I know…I hear da host of da open mic say my name
“Dan Licatta” & next thin i know i AM ON DA STAGE. “What I am suppose to do?” I remember thinking to myself…only I
didn’t just think it I say it OUT LOUD into da microphone!! Next thing I know da people kinda
chuckle a lil bit. “Hey, dat felt
kinda nice!” I thought to my self
only again once more I did not think this silently in my head it slipped right
outta my mouth & into da mic & everyone heard it.
“GO DAN!!!” yelled Melisa. Some people clapped a lil bit.
“Thanks Melissa.
She said she is gonna suck my dick after this.” EVERYBODY BUST OUT LAUGHING SO
HARD!!! And that felt so good…like
a “blow job good”.
I kept goin… “You ever get a blowjob from a girl & she
eat shrimp for lunch dat day, next thing you know, yer dick smells like shrimp
all day long?” At this point, da
people are DYING. “Da kids on my
block are callin me Shrimp-dick…and they were callin me dat BEFORE it actually
smelled like shrimps but now da nick name makes perfect sense!!!” Everyone in da comedy club got up outta
there chair to clap for me. They
call this a “standing ovulation’ in show-biz.
I got off dat stage & I felt like a rock star…i felt
like I was rolling on some good-ass molly. I just wanted to hug everyone & i was mega-horny.
I went up to Melissa who gave me a big fuckin hug. “you did so so good…okay time to make
dat pee-pee come aliva w/ some saliva!!”
I put my hand in her face.
“Hold up Melissa…I am glad you promise me a BJ but I am gonna have to
say rain check on dat.” Melissa
kinda made a wtf face but she understood.
I hugged her again.
“Thank you Marissa. I am a
better man now. My life is about
to change now that i am a stand up comedian.”
Dat night I went home & magically I could suck my own
rod. it was a christmas
miracle…was it da new found courage I got to da things i always wanted to do
but was scared? Yup, that is
exactly what it was. Also i got 10
new Twidder followers & i was stoked about dat too.
Dan Licata is a
stand-up comedian & also he is a huge-ass fan of Yotube personality Timothy
Delaghetto.
