Daily Update: Most Important Blog of the Meal

Well, well, well, what do we have here? I bet you all think you’re King Andy-shit of Sand-Fuck Mountain. You are putting your mother and I through hell. Hope it was worth reading the Daily Update: the only daily blog that makes you feel like you’ve been busted by your dad. 

–If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, Burger King needs to start taking things more seriously. They made biscuits smaller (bad), but then crammed blueberry goo in them (good?), and offered it with a side of “tasty icing dip” (good lord). There is no such thing as “tasty icing dip;” that’s just icing.

Something needs to be said for this Ciabatta breakfast club sandwich. One thing that needn’t be said is that there is no such thing as a breakfast club sandwich; there’s just a club sandwich. However, it is a Breakfast Club sandwich in the sense that it forces ingredients from different backgrounds that hate each other to fight it out in the Saturday School that is your stomach. This is a great way to start your day losing: fist fulls of ham, bacon, tomato, cheese, and tomato sauce…all atop a bed of eggs big enough to die in your sleep on. 

BK should maybe consider changing the name of the “Ultimate Breakfast Platter” to “All The Things.” And The “BK Breakfast Bowl” to “Most The Things, In a Bowl.”

–Enough Pictures! We all know BK’s one appreciated contribution to the breakfast world is the Croissan'wich. Here are some Other Possible Croissant Combos

  • Croissandman: croissant delivery while you sleep
  • Croissanta Clause: Croissant delivery while you sleep on Christmas Eve
  • Croissandford: My fucking croissant. Get away.

–But enough about you, BK. Here are some Headline Jokes

  • Wall Street protest’s success not easily measured…may need to create a system that predicts an industrial average of protest success
  • Hairy, crazy ants invade from Texas to Miss.…less frightening though than last year’s invasion of hairy, crazy aunts
  • Hundreds of mobile homes hit hard by heavy floods…boathouse owners laugh mockingly
  • Mormon church announces new temple plans worldwide…only one person knows them in a language no one speaks
  • Toby Keith weighs in on gay marriage, military…tipping the scales with a fat fuck’s worth of stupid

–Ok kids, go do whatever you want

-Andy Sandford