On the Creep at Cheese’s

One time, back in my poker days, I was playing a cash game that was run by a gentleman who only went by “Cheese.” Cheese’s game wasn’t huge or anything (2-5 game. Most bought in for $250/$300 & you could usually count on everybody for a couple re-buys). There were 7 players at the table and 3 or 4 dudes in the connecting room playing Madden for money/arguing. I went to the bathroom, started peeing, and heard a loud crash. My stream had strayed to such a wayward trajectory that a significant amount of my urine ended up in a soap dish(?). Immediately following the crash, I heard a lot of yelling. Angry yelling. Familiar angry yelling.

I suppose it’s worth noting that 3 weeks prior to this night, I was dealing a game that got held up and I had to have way too long of a conversation with a gun to my head, so I was a little on edge. I knew that if this shit that cannot be happening *again* is indeed happening AGAIN in the SAME MONTH, then I can’t be found hiding in the bathroom unless I was ok with getting pistol whipped (I am not). I immediately shoved a little over $600 into an air vent and covered it with a bathroom rug. There was still a lot of yelling, mostly incoherent. I made a lot of noise unlocking the door and slowly opened it, ready to get it over with.

I stepped out of the bathroom to hear a voice. Louis, an old, crotchety degenerate gambler grumbled at me, “Andy, why the fuck are you leaving that bathroom on the creep?!” Everyone laughed at me, and I had to pretend I wasn’t *just* psyching myself up for a nightmare (again). Turns out I had pissed into a soap dish, hidden my money, and braced myself for death because of a heated argument over Madden ‘06. Luckily, I creeped my ass right back in that bathroom and got my money out of the vent before they realized just how “on the creep” I was. 

An hour later, Cheese screams from the bathroom, “hey! Who the fuck pissed on the toilet paper?!…Louis, you too fuckin old.”

 I’d be willing to bet all the money I stuffed in that vent that the pee on the toilet paper was probably mine, but Louis *was* really old and I guess he’d built himself a rep for being a piss maverick. So if you’re reading this and are somehow not dead: I’m sorry about that, Louis. That was my bad.