Words to Graduate By

I’ll be honest here. If I were to travel back in time and tell my younger self that I would one day be giving a commencement speech at the graduation ceremony of a prestigious university, I’d think I was nuts. Firstly, I’d have a hard time buying the whole time traveler story, even from my older self. I mean, why would I waste a trip in time just to tell me about a speech I had to give? Beyond all that tho, I am a high school dropout who makes an artist’s living from stand up comedy: the least respected of the fine arts. Who would hire me to inspire college graduates? Well, older, time-travelling me would know that I was not hired to write or give such a speech, but have taken it upon myself to publish the speech I would give, were a prestigious university to sac up and give your boy the opportunity. Younger me can go on believing he accrues some sort of clout in academia in his mid 30′s. Why take that away from me/him?! My mom would be very happy if this were the case, and it doesn’t hurt anyone, so not a word of this to my mother, please.

Anyway, I’m not here to plead for my mother’s piece of mind, or defend my frivolous use of time travel. I am here to disseminate words of wisdom and warning to the young hearts and minds who are about to make their mark on the absolute shit show that they have inherited from the multitude of prior, fucked up generations. The dumbasses who hamfistedly paved the way so that their future trustees (y’all) could go fuck yourselves. The future is in the hands of all you young, goofy mother fuckers now. The garbage humans before you have made their mess, and now get to be the burden for all youse left in charge of this impossible nightmare dystopia. I implore all of you to nurture not your bitterness. Sure, it would be easy to complain about the state of global affairs and the dying planet in which they fester. YES, you face great adversity, but hop off the goddam cross for a sec. We all know that such adversity makes you stronger, unless of course it just crushes you. You are welcome for that. True greatness shows itself in tumultuous times. That’s something I have read somewhere I believe, or maybe I made it up, but it sounds right, right?! The point is: don’t let your depressing circumstance bring you down. Remember that you can always off yourself if the pain is too much. I’m saying, last resort *obviously*, but it IS an option, so take comfort in that. 

Don’t be afraid to take chances. Lord knows your parents and grandparents rolled the dice like there was no tomorrow. Of course, there was a tomorrow and it is today, but your tomorrow is definitely a goner. Big bummer, I know, but belly aching won’t bring about a habitable planet for your kids to also be ungrateful for. The truth is, fossil fuels are kind of the shit, and we never considered the potential harm in our “smoke em if you got em” approach to nonrenewable resources. Oopsy! It’s not your fault that we had coal power everything for a couple hundred years, but that’s what happened and you don’t get to cry about it now. The shit is gone, kids. Go find your own fossil fuel to burn up: make your OWN WAY. 

Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and make shit happen, just like no one before you. Get yourself a job or three to pay off the education you were told would give you a leg up. Yes, you are an indentured servant that is being charged interest for the means to a whiff of a piece of the pie, but tuition is outrageous and you weren’t patient enough to save up the few 100 grand it would have taken for you to avoid being in anyone’s pocket. Look at Rodney Dangerfield in “Back to School.” He made millions FIRST and went to college in his 60′s. That was a movie, but anything is possible if you aren’t the one who has to do it, I think.

This speech has really gone off the rails, and I hope to leave you on a positive note, so let’s see if I can pull such a sentiment out of my ass. Life is what you make it, and you gotta make it from the rubble of your ancestors’ mistakes. Yikes. Who would wanna bring a child into this world? I think you guys should just party like Van Halen (David Lee Roth Van Halen) and make the world your hotel suite. Chuck a tv out the window! Nuke the people farthest away from you! Set up an Etsy account offering handmade crafts to consumers, but ship them all big turds in adorable gift bags. 

 It is a gift to know that your lives matter very little. The pressure is off. Your entire generation is on a runaway train to Fucksville, and morality is out the window. Seize this gift of inconsequential existence and give it a furious handjob. The future is NOW because there ain’t nuthin after this. God bless you, you poor bastards, and God bless the United States of America. I’ll be performing at the Melbourne, FL Yuk-em-ups June 11-14. Promo code: SandFART for half off tix. See you in hell, losers!