Daily Update for Wednesday August 24-shizzle

That’s right Fandy Fandfords (admittedly have not worked on good name for fans)…I know how to keep a promise at least once. So here we go.

I believe in my heart of hearts that I have more organs than you.

…Also, I believe strongly that “fo-shizzle” will be this generation’s “far out." Remember when people said things the way Snoop Dogg did without a hint of irony? Snoop Dogg is a pretty cool guy, and he sounds like an idiot when he sizzays stizzuff. What makes you think you pull it off, guy with backwards hat? Snoop should have learned from the Polish that when you have a lot of Z’s in your lexicon, people think you are stupid. I don’t want Snoop to stizzop though. Not until I have heard him say the words; scissors, xylophone, and Caesarean. 

-Hey, here’s a tip: if you are going to use cliches in your daily correspondence: don’t do it euphemistically. See below examples.

  • "With utmost reverence that’s owed, you’re an asshole" 
  • "For all objectives and functions, you’re an asshole”
  • “Yeah, you’re an asshole, but hey…conditions are in the state in which they exist. What actions can I perform in regards to it?”

-oh hey there, hope I didn’t lose you. Take a quick break from the word nerdery and look at this pic of me X-treme office-chairing

damn…my disregard for safety is so sexy it is dangerous. (photo cred: The Swinsk)

-Hey hey hey, hey hey: you still don’t know what’s up with the world? Here’s some headline jokes (Sometimes I feel the need to point out that the first line of all these are actual associated press headlines)

  • Hurricane Irene Regains Strength as it heads Towards East Coast…Experts Fear U.S. Lacks Attention Span for Multiple Natural Disasters
  • Heart Attack Kills Philly Cheesesteak Stand Owner. Only one person was shocked…by a defibrillator.
  • Adidas Launches “Barefoot Shoe”…Nike retorts with “Imaginary Sandal" 
  • Jaded West Coast Chuckles Over East Coast Quake…pointing out that their jaded chuckling is as newsworthy as the quake itself.
  • CA Mom Accused of Throwing Baby Depressed…Doctors have not confirmed how many throws it takes for a baby to become depressed.

Well I hope you are all happy with yourselves for acknowledging the brilliance in yourselves that allows you to acknowledge the brilliance in my daily updates. 

Until tomorrow…it’s today,

-Andy Sandford