WednuzDaily Update

Ni hao ma, Sandford-nicators! It is me, harbinger of the Daily Update: Perhaps the most saucy and provoking tumblr tumblng through the internet, which is going downhill. So look out, people at the bottom. hmm, will attempt better metaphor later.

–On rare occasions, I will dismount from my high horse; but only to stand on my soapbox and dislodge what’s in my craw. Then it’s back on the high horse! (metaphor redemption)

That being said, I am willing to admit when it seems like I’m wrong. I must blog a retraction regarding my Superman rant from 2 Daily Updates of yore. It is all clear to me now that all was not clear to Superman…or at least, not transparent. Superman’s X-ray vision was thwarted by the poor health awareness of his time. In the 1940’s, you’d be hard pressed to find a wall that wasn’t slathered with a few coats of lead-based paint. Therefor I shall grant “not being able to see through lead” its rightful status as a Superman weakness alongside “hard to find space mineral”…but still, it is more so a less-usable superpower waiting in the wings for modern safety codes. 

I don’t know why I care so much about Superman. That is more the cool nerd’s realm. Yeah that’s right, I said cool nerd. I am the kind of nerd that is likely never to be hip, because my nerdiness hath no pictures. I’m the nerd that was excited/shocked that the American Library started publishing a Philip Roth series while he was still alive. I’m still upset there is no Jorge Luis Borges action figure.

There wasn’t a line of people in costume at Barnes & Noble eagerly awaiting the release of Martin Amis’s “Yellow Dog.”  It was just me. And when the store opened they didn’t even have it in stock so I had to special order it…in costume.

If you want to be cool these days, you are going to need to pick up a graphic novel…and sorry, I’ve yet to see a graphic novel that can actually pass for “novel” and is not just graphic. Face it nerds: you are cool now. 

–Speaking of my type of nerdiness…I’m currently reading and I Highly recommend

 

Don’t worry, there isn’t much tired Atheist rhetoric (though I don’t get tired of that from Hitchens really). 106 Essays by an amazing writer who knows fucking everything. 

–And now, More Bad Movie Ideas

  • The Color Purple Rain: Prince leads slaves to freedom on his motorcycle, thus beginning a journey to the purifying waters of Lake Minnetonka
  • The Green Mile High Club: Death row inmates are granted one conjigal plane ride in this Conair sequel
  • 2001 A Space Honda Odyssey: A wacky suburban family finds out that their 2001 Honda Odyssey is a spaceship. Now it’s up to them to save Earth
  • 10 Things I hate about Jews: Schindler’s List as seen from the other side. Also titled, Himmler’s List
  • The Lion King’s Speech: Phil Collins spends hours trying to teach a Lion to talk

–Otay, Headline Jokes

  • Firefighters have yet to control Texas wildfire…experts warned that everything is bigger there
  • Drought machine helps develop hardier crops…though in hindsight, probably should have just built a crop machine
  • 10 years, 21,000 bone fragments, no 9/11 closure…no one can agree on the number of bone fragments needed 
  • Impact from 9/11 still felt a decade later…experts say it was most likely the more recent earthquake
  • Notre Dame makes a quarterback change…no hunchback change as of yet

Wowsers, no one is going to read this. Bye no one!

-Andy Sandford